Tuesday, May 13, 2008

I'm liking this mum thing

I feel like my heart has had to grow in capacity to accommodate the huge pulses of love that wash over me these days. It's like my skin just can't get enough of my baby little big girl, I find myself rubbing my arms and hands all over her and kissing her soft round almost heart breakingly smooth cheeks but I can never seem to get quite enough. I just love it when I'm holding her tight against my chest and she's flopped against me with her head on my shoulder - I can't help but squeeze her and drink her in. I had a big session of this on Mother's Day as we walked from my delightful cafe breakfast to the car, I just spent the whole walk in bliss squeezing and smiling and trying not to trip over. I somehow managed to make it to the car in amongst all the joy.

That was just one of the many lovely moments I had on my first ever Mother's Day, which was such a beautiful day, thanks to the efforts of my gorgeous partner-in-life Mat, and the simple presence of my angel-girl. I was genuinely surprised at how much Mother's Day actually meant to me. Mat has been telling me almost every day what an awesome mum I am, and how impressed he is with me, which is so nice, but there was something about this day when Mothers are universally recognised and valued and thanked that really touched me. I think after struggling with the whole new mother thing ever since the post-birth happy hormones wore off around week five, and really having to dig deep to stay afloat a lot of the time, it was just really really nice to get a special day of recognition. It actually makes the hard bits easier to handle when you know that your efforts are being appreciated and valued.

But the really nice thing is that the hard parts have actually become easier. For the last few weeks I have really settled into my new role as Mother. And I'm really loving it! There are still the really hard times, I mean, this is the hardest thing ever, really, but it's also just amazingly rewarding, like nothing ever before. I am loving my girl more and more as she grows and weaves herself deeper into my heart with each new day, each new smile, each new thing that she can do. It really does feel as though we are enmeshing , that each new day more and more tendrils of her being delve into my heart and mind and spirit and more and more of my tendrils enter and wrap around her shining being. She is becoming more and more interactive, more aware and responsive, and I'm really loving it!

And I think I just had to go through an adjustment, as most mothers do, and do a bit of grieving for all the lost freedoms that I so took for granted, and that I have had to let go like a silk scarf on a windy day. But I think I have mostly come to terms with it all and I feel really settled at the moment. Settled and well.

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